You have nothing to fear but Disney itself.

We interrupt this laziness that has defined this blog of late for an urgent message regarding an insidious evil which threatens the very fabric of Western civilization.

I'm not talking about Cyberterrorism or the apparently unkillable Tony Almeida. I'm talking about Disney.

Yes that's right, Disney. The one with mouse ears, cuddly woodland creatures and the majority ownership of ESPN.

As of late I've been compelled as a normal human to protect anyone from the swirling winds of crappiness and loserfication which has buffet Jacob and Benjamin every day. I valiantly and successfully kept the purple dinosaur at bay, and I've saved them from the cuddly suckiness of Boobah and Teletubbies until the day I passed them a joint for the first time. But i was blind to that old friend, who every Sunday night of my childhood dished out healthy, wholesome doses of Chip 'n' Dale, the Apple Dumpling gang, and Escape to Witch mountain.

Unbeknownst to me, Disney's marketing team was not content to roll back and forth on their private islands made of Krugerrands fairy tears. Sensing a vulnerability in the young psyche, they stole a page from George Lucas, wrapped their hands firmly around the withered, chapped teats of their glorious past, and squeezed out a dastardly plot to desecrate their legacy for spectacular profits.

Thus was spawned the bane of my existence -- Disney Princesses.

Don't ask me how this malevolent force swept past our defenses. I've rocked back and forth late into the night, my knees clutched close to my chest, trying to comprehend how it gnawed through America's floorboards, crawled into it's daughter's ears, and wrapped itself around their cerebral cortex.

As I was at Hastings I noticed a mother and her young daughter. The daughter, not much older than 10, was wearing a princess dress.A debate took place between the two. about not whether to wear another princess dress, but which one. And for the love of god what sadistic fuck invented the Pretty Pretty Princess game? You've already taken America's young minds, Disney... must you also take the dignity of the parents?

And what sort of lessons are these princesses teaching? You'll never be happy with out a big, strong handsome prince? Living in the woods with seven vertically challenged miners is a good idea? And let's not forget that if life kicks you in the teeth you should just suck it up, cause eventually a fairy godmother will materialize and fix it all? You know, just like in real life. *

I'm all for introducing kids to strong female role-models. I think Disney even dabbled in some of their own for a day or two. But from what I can tell these cel-animated bitches have done nothing but reinforce the importance of coordinating jewelry with your gown, which might cut it in fair-tale land but not here. If this shit continues I might have to send my future daughter to Dagobah to "unlearn what she has learned."

And one last thing... Don't even get me started on the impending whoring of my beloved Muppets, whose de-coolification began with their last Christmas special and will probably continue until Fraggle Rock is revealed to be behind the auto shop at East High School.

* By the way, have you ever gone back and read the original fair tales these princesses are based upon? Holy crap, there's some seriously messed up shit going on! At the end of snow white the wicked Queen has to wear heated iron shoes until she's dead! I read one version of Cinderella in which her step-sisters were struck blind! And there's a lot of huntsman with axes roaming around doing things that would get you a part in the Cannibal Holocaust sequel. Grimm times, indeed...